Is it February already?

If you are like me, you must be wondering how an entire month of January 2023 seems to have vanished without a trace? Wasn’t it just yesterday when you were wishing ‘happy new year’ to people and struggling with goals and resolutions?

Talking of resolutions, did you know that the second Friday of each year is termed Quitter’s Day? Surveys show that motivation for most new year resolutions begin to wane after the first two weeks of a new year. I wasn’t entirely surprised to learn about this since I have dropped many well-meaning goals over the years. 

Two weeks ago when I came across news of New Zealand’s charismatic Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s decision to step down from her powerful role,I felt agitated. Of course, my choice to pursue (or drop) self- development goals were insignificant compared to the responsibilities she bore, yet, I wondered why we had both decided to abandon paths that we had personally chosen.

What does Ardern’s resignation from a powerful public post have in common with the vast majority of people who compile (and perhaps give up on) new year resolutions in private? A lot. 

Learning to make a plan that fits your life

There is so much pressure to create, to conform, to contort yourself into a person who is seen as having it all. From teenagers to celebrities, no one seems immune to the demands of modern life that requires action, documentation and public validation to be deemed successful and worthy of envy or emulation.

But what is it you really want?

The reality is that we don’t all want the same thing. In fact, as we go through life, we realize that we ourselves don’t want the same thing at different times in our life. With each breath and every step we take, our life changes and flows as we learn to be in equilibrium with our constantly changing environment.

We try to make our lives fit around our new year plans, instead of making plans to fit our lives that are already bulging like overpacked suitcases, which we carry around believing we don’t have a choice. 

Often our goals are probably not of direct interest or consequence to us. Yet, we passively take our cues from what others are doing and chase dreams that don’t resonate. And when things get hard, we push harder, inviting burnout and if we turn away, we get disappointed believing we lack motivation. 

Reframing plans for a new year

How then should we proceed with eleven months of a brand new year that lie ahead? Filled with fresh optimism and an inflated belief that we will be able to achieve hitherto unaccomplished goals, we cheerfully make lists, download trackers and shout out our intentions to the world. There’s nothing wrong with a forward-looking outlook for life, yet we sigh when we give up on goals that we had chosen with great excitement.

Could it be that our inability to stick to resolutions indicates a deeper problem than a simple lack of intrinsic motivation?

Are we choosing goals that make sense for us personally? Are we confusing actions with outcomes? Are we leading lives that resonate with our core values or to fulfill expectations of others (family, society, community)? SInce we can’t say yes to everything, are we using our time wisely?

Start saying “no”

In Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management for Mortals, one of the most influential books of 2022, author Oliver Burkeman makes the astute observation that  “You need to learn how to start saying no to things you do want to do, with the recognition that you have only one life.”

Whether you make a long list or track a single goal, it ultimately comes down to doing what you need to do at any particular moment. Saying yes to what is needed now means saying no to something else that made perfect sense not so long ago. 

Instead of pursuing a vicarious life, a better way to structure our time in this new year might be to assess how we want to feel when we add up all the activities that fill up our waking hours. 

Instead of chasing stand-alone individualistic goals that look good when showcased in public, wouldn’t it be better if our days added up to a meaningful life? 

Meaning comes from a feeling of having purpose, of having significance and most importantly, of having coherence in life. 

While leading her country during difficult times, Ardern made difficult choices in the aftermath of the Christchurch shootings and when the pandemic hit. Her brand of leadership has been practical and focused on implementation. 

And after six years in office when Ardern claimed that “there’s not enough in the tank”, it wasn’t surprising. Ardern needs to decline something that was important once in order to say ‘yes’ to  a different path that makes sense for her now. 

For those of us tottering on the brink of a major decision because it is scary to abandon a path that had once beckoned but now has lost its sheen doesn’t mean you are quitter. It means you are awakening.

If you had no access to the Instagram-worthy goals of others, what would you want to do more of? What would you like to discard from your current to-do list? Most importantly, how do you want to feel?

There was a time I was fascinated by the concept of a bucket list. But now, instead of a bucket list, I have a pocket list, one that is doable and bite-sized. Try it for yourself. Maybe the goals are smaller – time and effort-wise. Maybe they are private ones where the only person who can tell if you have accomplished what you set out to do is you. 

So go ahead and make your plans. Write them down. Keep them safe. No need to show or share. Just do it. 

Because taking action matters but taking action that’s right for you, makes it meaningful.

What will you start with?